The difficulty in ending an emotionally invested situation

It’s never the right time to end things. There’s not a specific time to end a difficult situation. I mean, it would probably be a lot easier. Like oh, 6:13pm on a Tuesday is doomsday. You have to decide by that exact time. Clock’s ticking. Countdown beings. Tick-tock. 

Putting pressure on yourself will probably give you the answer you need.

But unfortunately, there’s no life-threatening emotional countdown to dig that answer out of you. You only have logic (occasionally), your friends and a big bottle of wine to help you through this situation.

And sometimes, even that doesn’t feel like enough.

So what can you do? Listen to your friends? Go out and get wasted so you can’t even remember that impending decision you have on your hands? Go to a psychic? Open a huge tub of ice cream (not even ben and jerry’s – who can afford to splash out that much in this economic climate?) and top it with salty tears?

Sure you can do all that.

But ultimately, you still have a decision to make and that decision lies with you. Nothing will change until you make a change.

You just have to decide whether you want things to change or not.

Accepting what you need is probably one of the hardest understandings you’ll ever have to come to terms with.

Because what you want and what you need is probably two different things.

You can’t stick with something that constantly makes you unhappy just because you’re afraid of losing someone. Ok, the situation might not even make you constantly unhappy. It could vary from once a week to a couple times a year. But if this sadness completely consumes you to the point where you don’t care about a single thing that was once important to you then that’s when you know you need to stop. Or you’ll end up losing yourself. And once you’ve lost yourself, well, it’s pretty hard to come back from that.

You just have to work out what's worth it and what isn't. 

The rawness of delusions

You know what a delusive feeling is? Knowing that something isn’t going to work out. But you fool yourself into an unsecured false hope, desperately expecting a different outcome. But deep down, deep, deep down, every single bone inside you is screaming that you’re setting yourself up for a fall down. The longer you deceive yourself, the more you’re going to hurt. But you just can’t stop. Can’t stop hoping and praying that it’ll work out. Because the truth is, you’ll take whatever you can get now and you don’t care about paying for it later. Right now, in this moment, it’s worth it.

Do we like to emotionally torture ourselves?

Humans have a natural drive for survival, yet sometimes the things we do and the choices we make hinders that instinct.  For example, we could realise that we’ve become accepting of a situation that continuingly proceeds to make us unhappy. We know that this certain situation brings us pain, but we’re tolerant of it and we try again in the hopes that it doesn’t hurt us next time.

You burn yourself on the cooker and after you’ve acknowledged the pain you instantly pull away. You don’t leave your finger on there so you can continue to feel the pain (unless that’s what you do for kicks, then in that case, no judgement here you crazy idiot).  You don’t put your finger back on the stove again in the hopes that you’re invincible and this time it won’t hurt you.

Because you know it will.  It’s happened before and you’ve learned from it.

It sounds simple down on paper right?

So why should our emotional situations be any different?

Some situations are worth the pain. If every single person adopted the attitude of a defeatist then what would be of the human race? Probably extinct.  So perseverance (to an extent) is vital. But knowing when to move on is just as crucial.

Now what?

We shouldn’t trust people not to hurt us; everyone is human and humans aren’t perfect. We’re fixed with the emotion to feel sad, which means we’re inevitably going to feel that way multiple times in our life. So instead of trusting other people not to hurt us, maybe we should trust ourselves enough to not put us in that situation again. It’s a sad realisation but the sooner you learn it the easier life gets.

I’m not saying you have to be closed off just because one thing didn’t work out. What I am saying is that if a certain situation didn’t work out on the third or fourth attempt, it’s probably never going to and it’s time to let go and move on.

If we keep putting ourselves in that situation, does it prove us strong enough to take the hits and still try and make a go of something, or does it mean we’re too weak to let go?

Maybe it’s personal preference, some people might see change scary where others might think that feeling trapped in a situation is the scariest. It’s not about being weak or strong. It’s about finding the lesser scary option.

We’re all going to side with the option that scares us the least when it comes to our feelings. It’s natural to try and protect ourselves.

But the lesser scary option does not always mean it’s the right one.

So what is?

Let’s work it out.

Which one do you fear most?

1.

A) Change                                                                                                      

B) Routine

2.

A) Loneliness

B) Commitment

3.

A) Missing experiences

B) Missing that certain someone

Answered mostly A’s? You’re going to hurt.

Answered mostly B’s? You’re still going to hurt.

The answer is there is no right option, there are just options. And when faced with a dilemma, whichever one you choose will affect you either way.  It is impossible to protect yourself from hurting in life. And that’s just something you have to accept.

1. You have to decide what's worth it and what isn't
2. Don't sacrifice your happiness
3. Put your own feelings first

Ask yourself if you’re happier with or without this person/situation/lifestyle etc.

Answer the question honestly. You wont gain anything from lying to yourself.  If you don’t do anything different then nothing will change. You just have to work out whether you’re happy with the way things are or not.

Which sounds a lot simpler than what it is.

What it's like to be the other woman

You always hear stories about what it’s like to get cheated on. But what is it like to realise that the person you’re in love with has made a commitment to somebody else?

First thing’s first, you’re in the wrong. I’m going to give you all some tough love here because what you’re both doing is wrong.

You might not have known about it when this fling first begun. How were you to know they already have a significant other? 

It’s so easy to slip off a ring, bullshit a few lies and lead a double fucking life by both men and women alike. Ok, it is so much easier to get caught thanks to the invention of social media, turning anyone with Internet access into a surveillance agent.

But when you find out that your person, the person that you’ve probably been envisioning your whole future with, already has that future with someone else, well, it’s devastating.

A train of irrational thoughts and jumbled emotions varying from hilarity to complete despair will hit you faster and harder than those tequila shots you downed after your last break up.

Let me just state a fact for you right now. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s not your fault they fed you lies and you lapped it up. Any warning signs you might have gotten completely bypassed you. Which is normal, when you’re in the honeymoon stage of a relationship you don’t want to believe there’s anything wrong. And why should you? You’re so happy right now, why would you listen to that paranoid voice in your head trying to destruct a good thing?

But the warning signs are there for a reason. And I’m sorry but you just got unlucky. You went fishing and you caught a seahorse.

But

If you don’t throw that seahorse back when you realise it’s not the fish you were hooking for then you’re just as much to blame for your unhappiness as they are. 

Because, let’s face it. You will feel unhappy.

They may tell you that their S/O doesn’t understand them the way you do, that you both share a deep connection that is really special. They'll also throw in a few compliments about you being amazing in bed coupled with how much of an incredible person you are. 

Oh but they're oh so charming. Well they to be; their life is spent juggling two or more people. But unless you’re the S/O then you will always be second best. (or third, or fourth, or fifth – depending on how many side chicks/dicks he/she has).

The main point I’m trying to get across here is that they won’t ever leave the S/O. And why should they have to? They made a commitment to each other and they should stick to that.

And hey, they might even care about you. After all, we’re humans, it’s in our nature to make connections with others.

But if they've made a commitment to someone else, then you have to back away. I know, it’s not fair at the responsibility is left on you. They shouldn’t have even put any of you in that position in the first place. But if you carry on you’ll forever be second best. And you’re not someone that deserves to be treated as someone’s second best.

They won't leave them. 

And if they do then their S/O probably found out what a cheating bastard they are and they've kicked them to the curb.

Just remember, you’re fabulous and you have your whole life ahead of you.

You deserve more.

Do you really like him, or?

1)    Do you just like his attention?

He texts you. You. Obviously that makes you feel special. He wants to know what you’re doing, what your plans are for the weekend and he makes you smile. So you enjoy speaking to him. But does that mean you ‘like’ like him? Or do you just like his attention? It’s a toughie to work out. Everyone likes to have a bit of attention sometimes. And if that’s the case then you certainly don’t have to feel guilty for liking his attention and not him (as long as you like him as a friend of course).

2)    Is he just a rebound?

You’re not over the ‘over it’ stage of your break up. You’ve accepted it, you’ve cried, you’ve got angry, you’ve drunk texted but you’re not completely over it. You ask your girls how to get over him. They reply: “To get over a guy you have to get under another”. A classic. And it can work for some people. But you need to be careful with this one. Feelings could bloom, and it could get messy if both sides of the party aren’t upfront and honest about how they feel. If you slightly die inside every time he texts you because it’s not your ex then you’re not ready for anything serious just yet. But as long as you know what you want and you’re honest about it then it doesn’t have to be confusing.

3)    Are you confusing friendship for lust?

We all get confused at least one point in our lives with this one. It is so easy to mistake friendship for lust or love. Here are some give away signs that you do only think about him as a friend.

·      You don’t think about him romantically or erotically. (you know, those little day dreams where you lie in bed and think about all the possible ways that he would declare his undying love for you).

·      You’re genuinely happy that he is dating someone (and if you are jealous, you cant use the excuse that she’s so wrong for him, even if she is).

·      You feel 100% comfortable around him all the time. (Of course when you’re in a relationship this inevitably does happen anyway). This is a dead give-away that you only like him as a friend and you’re not trying to impress him (this means you’re comfortable chilling with him bare faced, messy hair and possibly not showered).

·      You won’t want to know what he’s doing with his life every second of the day.

·      You’re not analysing every conversation you’ve ever had together.

4)    Is he just attractive?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a bit of eye candz. Appreciating beauty is something that is built into us mere mortals. You may stalk his Facebook pictures coming to the realisation that he is incapable of taking a bad photo BUT…do you really like the person he is? Or is his god-like bronze body and his defined cheekbones blinding your ability to recognise that he has a personality of a plank. Ok, he might have the full package, but going off looks alone can’t justify the reason why you like him. Find out what he’s like as a person first. You don’t want a rainbow as a boyfriend. Beautiful to look at but after the initial awe, they’re pretty damn useless.

5)    Do you want what you can’t have?

Here’s another tricky one. He seems perfect for you, but plot twist he has a girlfriend/he’s going away for a long while/ he wants to focus on his studies/He’s not looking for anything serious right now/he’s into someone else. One word: Challenge. Everyone loves a challenge. We’re all guilty of liking the feeling of winning. And winning the person that you set your sights on kind of seems like the ultimate prize doesn't it? You need to think about long term here. What is it going to be like after you’ve gained this person? Are you going to be looking for the next challenge? You need to be sure you like him for him because you could end up with a lot of consequences on your plate if you just like the thrill of the chase.

6)    Are you just bored?

You’re not texting anyone right now let alone dating someone. You’re bored with guys on tinder asking you to send naughty pictures. Ew, gross. So what do you? Scroll through Facebook and oh look, there’s that guy that added you a couple months back after you met him on a night out. You give his picture a cheeky like. And he likes one of yours back. Suddenly he pops up on chat and now you’re exchanging numbers. Hooray, you have someone to text. He’s giving you attention and you’re both getting a little flirty. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of harmless flirting, but are you talking to him because you genuinely like speaking to him or is it just because you have no one else to talk to at this time and he’s just temporarily keeping you amused? Just keep this question in mind if this goes further than flirtatious banter.

7)    Do you just want sex?

Yes, I said the S word. A woman having a healthy sex life seems to have to battle with a lot of negative, demeaning and sometimes humiliating connotations attached to it. It’s the 21^st century where equality is supposed to be the norm. But guess what guys, I’ll tell you a little secret. WOMEN ENJOY SEX TOO. Which brings me to my original point. Ladies, there is nothing wrong with having some fun. Again it all comes back to being honest with yourself and your partner. As long as you do that and you’re being safe then darlings, go have as much fun as you can! Sex can complicate feelings, so be prepared as you might end up developing feelings for someone who you never expected to.

8)    Do you just like the idea of a relationship?

You watch a rom-com with your girls. The love story is so cute it feels like your heart is about to burst. “Why cant we have that?” is the post-movie discussion. So you start to think about what it would be like to be in a relationship (Whether it’s your first or twentieth time of being in one). Your mind has made up and you want to share your life with someone. Knowing what you want is always a good thing. Just don’t be in too much of a rush to jump into something just because the idea of love flirted with you a little. You must like him for who he is and not just like the idea of him. And if you find that you do then go and explore everything that your potential relationship has to offer.